


I've been waiting for you for a long long time

by Mykingdomforacupoftea



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Depowered Lucifer, Depowered Lucifer (Supernatural), Depressed Lucifer (Supernatural), Fluff, Lucifer Redemption, M/M, Season/Series 13, Season/Series 14, Season/Series 15, Sort Of, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-28
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:21:58
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,468
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26156446
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mykingdomforacupoftea/pseuds/Mykingdomforacupoftea
Summary: Sam has settled in a new life after Jessica's death and is trying to ignore the void he feels. Until a man who pretends to be Lucifer ends up drunk in the bar he works in. He feels drawn to the broken man and takes him in. He wasn't ready to deal with supernatural issues, but he sure have sympathy for the Devil.
Relationships: Lucifer/Sam Winchester
Comments: 30
Kudos: 59





	1. Where Sam

**Author's Note:**

> This fic will be mostly rooted in canon (Lucifer did everything until the moment he cames back to this universe), but there will be some changes because it's still a fic ! So some characters are very much alive, and I won't take the part with Nick coming back and he won't betray Jack. He will never get the best father's award, but he'll try harder than in the show.  
> Sam and Dean haven othing to do with the supernatural, so you can imagine the whole serie with some other brothers in their place. It still happened, and they will cross paths with some hunters and others but they're not in the business.  
> Prepare for fluff and unrealistically nice Lucifer ! But my take is that, like Crowley who caught humanity with blood, he catches humanity because he's depowered much longer than in canon.  
> I'm gonna try to post a chapter by week.

Sam wondered sometimes what his life would have been if he had become a lawyer. If Jessica hadn’t died. If he hadn’t fled to become a bartender in some town far away from his home. Which was funny, because Dean had always dreamt to open a bar, but was perfectly happy being a mechanic. Sometimes he felt the universe had fucked up. Maybe it was a mistake. Maybe he should have been somewhere else, doing something else. It wasn’t that he wasn’t happy. He got over Jessica’s death, eventually. He had patched up things with his father, who had stopped drinking. Dean often came to visit him. But he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off. Liked he was missing something. Dean always laughed when he said that and tried to push him into the arms of a woman. Himself was happily married with Lisa, and they lived with their son, Ben, in a town nearby. He had friends, so he wasn’t lonely. Daniel often took him to play basketball, Pierce liked to go hiking, Rowena liked having him at her arm in crowded events…He even tried to date Lindsey, a waitress at the bar he was working in. It had been disappointing for both of them and they had decided to laugh it off.

He took a smoothie on his way. A blond man was sitting on the small wall next to the store department, holding a paper cup. He was visibly cold and looked like he hadn’t shaved since a few days. People were avoiding him, and Sam could understand why in a way. There was something dangerous about the man, a sort of dark presence he couldn’t explain. He dropped a few coins in his goblet.

“Thank you sir !”

He opened the bar and squeezed himself under the metallic shutter. He liked coming in first, enjoying the quiet before the opening. He checked the stock and put down the chairs from the tables. His boss trusted him and had already suggested that Sam could take over the business once he would retire. Sam was considering it seriously. He liked the town and the people coming here. He switched the TV on, and took a look at the room. The pool table was a bit used up and it would be good to have it changed. The mirrors on the wall needed a wipe. Apart from that, it was clean.

Days were passing by. It was already colder and Sam was glad to be inside. He should have worn something warmer, it would be worse when he would end his shift. He took orders from a group of giggling young people, who were visibly celebrating something. He saw someone sitting at the counter from the corner of his eye. When he turned back, he recognized the homeless man from a few days ago. He still had the same thin shirt he had been wearing. He asked for something strong, with a defeated voice. Sam obliged. He stayed all night, and Sam was concerned about the amount of alcohol he was gulping down.

There was almost no one left in the bar. The man was still sipping on a vodka, staring into space.

“Do you need anything else ? We’re gonna close soon.”

“Yeah, another one.”

“I was thinking of water or something else actually.”

“Keep ‘em coming. I need it.”

“Hard times?”

The man snickered.

“You know, I had Heaven and Hell in the palm of my hand. And you know what I learned? They don’t matter. Nothing matters.”

He seemed so down that Sam felt a pang of sympathy. Other clients were avoiding him, and Lindsey had even asked him if he needed help. But Sam didn’t feel threatened by the man. On the contrary, he felt slightly drawn to him.

“Lost a job?

“Can say that I suppose. Ah, if it was the only thing…”

He rubbed his eyes and blinked a few times.

“Don’t know why I’m telling you that. It’s too late anyway.”

He gave him an apple juice and the man raised an eyebrow at him when he took the first sip, but said nothing. He drank quietly and Sam wiped the glasses he had left. He told Lindsey she could go, and she eyed the blond man with a suspicious look.

“Be safe Sam.”

He waved at her. He knew how to handle drunks and bar fighters. He had enough experience with his dad and Dean both, and his height dissuaded a lot of people. He liked to work out and could perfectly throw a grown man out. But he didn’t think he would need to do that with that one. Maybe he would have to carry him though.

“Sam? Short for Samuel?”

“Yeah. My grandfather’s name. What’s yours ?”

“Lucifer.”

Sam laughed but the blond didn’t seem to share the feeling.

“Really?”

“I should change it maybe. I could be a Keith. Or a James. Hell, I could actually be Nick.”

“You don’t look like a Nick.”

“You’d be surprised.”

There was a hidden meaning somewhere, considering how the corners of his mouth lifted up, but it was lost to Sam. Lucifer – could it really be his name ? - sighed.

“You’re right. There’s no changing you who are I guess.”

He should have closed given the time, but something was keeping him at the man’s side. Dean always complained he was too empathic and he wasn’t wrong. He had a liking to strays. But he generally stopped at wounded dogs. Besides it had been one time and he was the one who had ran over it, what was he supposed to do?

“Where are you staying?”

The blond shrugged.

“Here and there.”

“Sorry I forgot. Look. We need help and my boss is looking for another waiter. I’ll let you stay at mine if you say yes. What do you say?”

He got a dark look.

“I’m not that desperate.”

“Aren’t you?”

They stared at each other. A stomach growled.

“I am. It can’t be worse I imagine anyway.”

Sam smiled and held his hand out.

“Well Lucifer, welcome to the Mystery Spot !”

He shook Sam’s hand with a sigh.


	2. Chapter 2

He actually had to carry Lucifer to his flat. The man was shorter than him and didn’t weight that much, but it had been trickier in the staircase. He had somehow managed to open the door, with Lucifer half-asleep on his shoulder. He was glad to have found this flat near to his job. It was spacious, bright and cheap. The guest room was mostly used by Dean when he came and he let Lucifer flop down on the bed. He covered him as best as he could, and tried to stop himself before he had removed his shoes, but it was no use. He liked to care of people, so what ? He checked the blond’s temperature, and his arm was grabbed, making him startle.

“Gabriel…”

He was still asleep. He wondered who was Gabriel when he left the room. The guy clearly had issues and must be regretting a lot of things. He got into bed, giving a last look to the photo of Jessica on his nightstand.

“I know Jess, I feel too much. But…it’s the right thing to do, I can feel it.”

He blew her a kiss and switched the light off. He had still nightmares about her death sometimes. He had come back to their flat to see the building in flames and had been stopped by the firefighters. In his dreams, he got inside the building and looked for Jess, only to see her burn. He had the same dream every night during a few months after her death. It had become rare now, but it still shook him badly when it happened.

He woke up in a good mood. He checked the weather and changed into sport clothes. He had nearly forgotten about last night when he passed the guestroom’s door. Had he really…? He quietly opened the door. Yes he had. The blond man was still sprawled on the bed, sheets on the floor. He took a better look at him. He was maybe in his early forty, with a soft belly and mussed blond hair. He hadn’t touched a razor for at least a week and had way too thin clothes for the weather. Sam noticed a ring on his left hand. So the guy was married. Or had been most likely. Maybe it was one the reason he was drinking.

He left a small note and went for a run. When he came back, Lucifer was awake.

“You should have made coffee ! You can use everything in the house, make yourself at home. I bet you’re hungry.”

Lucifer was eyeing him up with narrowed eyes.

“Did you sleep well ?”

He only got a groan in response. Someone had woken up on the wrong side of the bed. He made pancakes while Lucifer sat on a chair, chin on his arms he had crossed on the backrest.

“So Samuel.” He emphasized his name. “Often take strangers in?”

“Ahah no. I… I took a dog once. You seemed like you needed help and… I don’t know. It seemed right. And just call me Sam.”

He put the plate of pancakes on the table.

“Help yourself.”

He poured some maple syrup on his.

“There’s bacon in the fridge if you want. My brother left some two days ago.”

The blond shrugged and dug into the pancakes. He chewed slowly, tasting it carefully. He looked at it as if he had never seen pancakes.

“You like it?”

A nod. He ate with more confidence.

“Can I ask where do you come from ? You don’t have to tell me what happened, but… you can, if you want to.”

“Do you ever feel like your life has already been traced for you ? And that, whatever you do, you can’t change it?”

“Well, sometimes yes.”

“Every time I try to do something, it goes wrong. I destroy everything I touch, I was made that way. I thought I could…”

He stopped and laughed.

“And I’m powerless now. Never been so low before.”

“You’re not powerless. You have a job and a roof. It’s gonna be better.”

He tried to be encouraging. He had no idea what the man had been through but there was a weariness in his eyes that indicated that it hadn’t been pretty.

“Everyone is nice and the town is great. You’re gonna fit in in to time.”

Lucifer looked like he was going say something but decided against it. He finished his pancakes and took some coffee, grimacing at the taste.

“There’s sugar somewhere if you want. Or juice in the fridge.”

He didn’t seem to be moving so Sam got him the juice. He seemed to like it better.

“I have to see a friend out of town. You’ll be alright ?”

Lucifer nodded. Sam did the dishes quickly. He had to meet Rowena, who was staying in the next town. She travelled a lot and he never understood what she was doing for a living. She was always busy and mysterious, renting hotels in different towns, but never failed to ring him from times to times. He had met her a few years ago, and they had begun an immediate friendship. She was a funny woman, with a Scottish accent and a taste for danger. She had said some time ago that she had found her son but hadn’t said much about it, and he hadn’t dared to ask. He wondered what kind of man he could be. Rowena was one of a kind, claiming she was a witch – and he was almost tempted to believe it – going out to fancy events, invited to all sort of parties and always attentive to her image. She could be scary when she was angry, but most of the time she knew how to be charming.

They went to an art gallery, where a friend of hers was exposing for the first time. The paintings were beautiful, pictures of luxurious landscapes and fantastic worlds. She told him all the gossips she knew about the people attending and it made him laugh. He told her he was hosting a stranger and she swatted his arm.

“Well dear, if he ever bothers you, tell me, I’ll curse him!”

“I’m sure it won’t come to that, but thank you.”

She seemed more relax these days. He had seen her in a pretty bad state, and he had worried, but she had refused to tell him what had happened. All he understood is that someone had hurt her badly and it had shaken her to the core. But she was better now, and she had assured him that the threat was gone. He never wanted to meet the person that could scare someone like Rowena. 

She told him about a man she was dating, a rich business man who was quite nice even though he was a bit boring in the bedroom. Sam blushed at that and she asked him how his sex life was going. She liked to tease him and make him stutter. He had nothing to say. He wasn’t interested in dating and sometimes he would have liked some human contact, but he wasn’t Dean, who could hook up anywhere and anytime. He had tried meaningless sex and it had been so awkward that he didn’t want to try again. They talked a bit about his job and life in general.

“You deserve nice things Sam. Take them.”

“I’m just not sure of what I want.”

“Promise me you will if you see something you want or I will curse your ass.”

“Deal. You’re full of energy today, something happened ?”

It looked like she didn’t really want to tell him but her smile got softer.

“My son is alive. I thought he was dead but he survived. Clever like his mother.”

“One day, you’ll have to introduce me.”

“Maybe.”

Once again, he didn’t ask for details. She wouldn’t tell whatever she didn’t want him to know. But she seemed to glow when she thought about her son and he was happy to see her like that.

When he got home, Lucifer was going through his books.

“Why do you have so many books about religion?”

“Because it’s fascinating. I was obsessed with Satan when I was a child… well, you know why I suppose, I guess you know everything about him.”

“Humans wrote a lot of things and very few are true.”

“Huh… Are you…Sorry, which religion do you believe in?”

“You think I’m joking when I say I’m Lucifer, right? Damn, since I have no power, no one believes me.”

“What, you’re saying you’re the real one?”

“The one and only. Well, not exactly… But the original at least.”

“Yeah, you’re a big bad demon.”

He looked at him and stifled a laugh, because Lucifer was barefoot, leg-crossed on the floor and didn’t look anything like something from Hell.

“I’m an angel actually. You can’t change that. And excuse me, but I can be plenty scary if I want. If I can. Not now.”

“Okay and why is that?”

“Because I got stuck in another universe.” He rolled his eyes, annoyed. “And it took all my power to get back here. It will come back with time.”

Sam was still looking at him with small smile.

“Stop mocking me, I would smite you if I had my power!”

He snapped his fingers.

“Or I can rip your heart out of your chest. Don’t think I never did it.”

He was scary at the moment. There was such a seriousness in his words and gesture that Sam could believe that he was able to kill.

“Well, not today Satan, as they say.”

He got an offended look and a pout. Sam didn’t push. If he didn’t want to tell him the truth about him, he didn’t have to. He could pretend to be the Devil, like Rowena liked to say she was a witch. It didn’t change anything.

“You’re aware that my father made me the villain, right? I was caged up most of the time. As if He cared about humans. He left you know? Only He says where.”

There was a true rage in his words and Sam could see that there was some reality in his story. Lots of people had father issues. Himself hadn’t the best relationship with his father.

“I know the feeling. I felt smothered when I lived with my father. I know he’s disappointed in me. But it’s better now. We talked.”

“Well I talked to mine, once, once after thousands of years and he couldn’t even apologize properly. He used me and left. He forgave her, why not me?”

Lucifer seemed suddenly tired. He slumped on the couch.

“I don’t even have the energy to get angry. What’s the point?”

Sam sat on the armrest and put a hand on his shoulder. When he spoke, he could feel his voice vibrating in his bones.

“You’ll give up on me too, Sam. Like everyone. I’ll make a mistake or try to kill you, and you’ll run away.”

“You can’t know that. And why would you try to kill me?”

He shrugged and Sam felt his shoulder roll under his fingers. He squeezed in a gesture he hoped was comforting and went to the kitchen.

“I’m gonna make something to eat before we go to the bar.”

He heard a groan.

“Why do humans have to eat all the time ? Digestion is just gross.”

Sam laughed.

“No one likes it, I can tell you. But you can enjoy food. We’ll find what you like.”

“Whatever Samuel.”

“It’s Sam!”


	3. Chapter 3

Lindsey seemed very uncomfortable. She forced a smile then took Sam apart.

“Why did you tell him to work here?”

“Lindsey, he’s a bit weird, but he’s very nice, he’s not gonna hurt you. “

“I have a bad feeling about him.”

“I didn’t think it would bother you so much, sorry. Look, if anything happens, tell me, but give him a chance.”

She tapped her foot.

“Stop doing that Sam ! You know no one can resist your puppy eyes !”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about !” He sing-sang.

She elbowed him playfully, but she was smiling again. They joined Lucifer, who was talking to their boss.

“You ever worked in a bar or something?”

“No.”

“Well, you’ll learn. Sam will explain you everything.”

“Where do you come from ? And what’s your real name? Why do you call him that anyway Sam?” Lindsey asked.

She was doing her best to seem friendly but he could see a vein pulsing on Lucifer’s neck and he didn’t want it to begin in a bad way. 

“He’s really the Devil, but he’s undercover so you can call him…”

“Nick Milton.”

He gave him a surprised look. He wasn’t sure Lucifer was going to play along. Did he just give his real name so easily when he had kept the Satan persona so carefully with Sam? 

“I come from Delaware.”

“Oh I have an uncle there ! It’s a nice town.”

She left and Sam lift an eyebrow.

“Nick Milton from Delaware? So your name IS Nick ! Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You didn’t seem to want me to tell the truth so I gave her another name. Actually, it’s not a bad idea, better not broadcast my presence. Or I could begin a new life, being Lucifer is not funny after all. I can just be old Nick.”

Sam was definitely lost. Was it his real name or not ? He shook his head and began to explain what he was supposed to do. Lucifer -or Nick- seemed reluctant to serve customers but managed to do it without incident while being polite. Thankfully, the bar wasn’t full and he didn’t have to watch him all night to make sure he was alright.

When the night was over, Lucifer threw his towel on the counter next to Sam, who startled.

“Serving humans. That’s a new low. If I had my powers…”

He seemed genuinely upset.

“Something happened? Did someone bother you?”

“I’m meant to rule Sam, not bring beverages to brainless apes.”

He laughed.

“It’s not that bad when you get used to it. You meet a lot of interesting people.”

“They have no idea what’s going on outside. How close they came to annihilation.”

“Yeah ? How so?”

“The apocalypse nearly happened. The leviathans were released, my brother from another universe nearly came here to destroy humanity… Pick one. “

“I can’t say if you’re really funny or really weird. Maybe both. But I see what you mean. There had been some bad lately. It looked like the apocalypse was coming.”

“It did. Almost. It was a total failure in the end. But my brother and I didn’t kill each other, so I guess it’s a good point.”

Sam burst out in laughter.

“Your big brother? I have one too. They’re annoying right? I’d throttle him sometimes. But in the end, Dean is the best brother I could ask for.”

“You’re lucky, mine would still be trying to kill me if he wasn’t locked up.”

Sam stopped laughing. He had fought Lucifer was saying that in exaggeration but maybe it was true.

“Looks like you’ve got a fucked up family.”

“The worst.”

“Come on, let’s go home. The bar is closed tomorrow.”

They went home quietly. Lucifer was looking at the sky, an unreadable expression on his face. Sam enjoyed the chill of the night. He made pasta and despite his protests, Lucifer ate his plate. It was something to see him frown and complain everything he had to go to the restroom.

He took a look at the Bible, then threw it across the room. Something had visibly upset him.

“Where does Nick come from if it’s not your real name?”

“This is him actually.” He pointed at himself. “Angels don’t have bodies, we have to borrow one. Nick was compatible with me. Then he died and the body got an upgrade so I could keep it.”

He wondered if Lucifer was aware of his faking his life or if he was really delusional. It was hard to tell. He seemed sincerely confused about some things, like The TV or the eating process, but apart from that, he behaved in a rational way and was quick to adapt. Sam didn’t know what to think of it.

“So, there’s a God, a Devil… what about Heaven? What’s it like?”

“It was made to store souls. If you’re good, you go up and you relive your best memories for eternity. Angels guard it. Stuck-up bastards…”

“Ok, and Hell?”

“If you’re bad you go get tortured. Then in time, you become a demon. It was my idea.”

He pressed his lips together, smiling broadly. Sam decided not to think too much and enjoy the man’s stories.

“Tell me about…Jesus?”

Lucifer huffed.

“Annoying brat. Didn’t look like you picture him though. I offered him everything, I told him how he was gonna die, alone and in pain. He didn’t listen.”

“He got resurrected and went to Heaven, so he was right no?”

“Guess so. Lucky bastard. Can’t believe Dad preferred a human to…”

“Was he really preaching kindness and all?”

“Oh yeah.” He waved at the air. “A perfect good-doer. Boring.”

“What about… Gandhi ? Did you meet him?”

“I was in the Cage not long after the Jesus thing. Dad didn’t like me playing his with toys too much.”

“You keep talking about that Cage, what is it?”

“A cage. My brother put me in when my father ordered it. I only got out a few years ago. Then I got back in. Then I busted out again…”

“Wait, your family locked you up?”

“I only told you a hundred times.”

Maybe his family were religion-crazy and had mistreated him. Or maybe he was insane and had to be interned. He wished he could get the whole story.

“You still don’t believe I’m the real Lucifer.”

“Huh…”

The blond sighed and looked for another book.

He saw Lindsey on his way to the smoothie shop.

“Sam ! Getting your greens?”

“Hey, stop mocking me ! I have enough of a brother for that.”

“Nah, it’s too much fun. I wanted to tell you, I’m sorry for Nick. I had no idea. My uncle called me yesterday, so I asked if he knew Nick and oh, he told me the whole story, it’s horrible. No wonder he seems so angry all the time.”

Sam had no idea of what she was talking about, but it was a great chance to know the truth.

“Yeah, he’s quite depressed about it. Family matters are heavy to bear.”

“They still haven’t caught whoever killed his wife and baby. How weird it is that someone broke into his house and just hammered them to death? It’s disgusting. I can’t even imagine what he feels like.”

“Hammered?”

“He didn’t tell you? I can understand why he wouldn’t go into details, but yeah, they were killed with a hammer. Urgh. I hope he will be okay here. My uncle says he left without telling anyone so he was pretty surprised to hear he was here. It’s good if he’s better.”

“Better yeah.”

Was he better ? He had a job and he wasn’t in the streets anymore, but clearly, he had been psychologically damaged. He had never mentioned a wife or a baby though. Only his father and brother. Maybe his son was the Gabriel he had called in his sleep. He seems so emotional sometimes, it wasn’t hard to imagine that he had broken down and reinvented his whole life. Sam’s felt a lump in his throat at the idea. He liked Lucifer, Nick, whatever. He felt drawn to him and he couldn’t explain it, but sometimes people connected with each other without reason. He wanted to help him and show him that life could be enjoyable even after tragedy.

When he got home, Lucifer was watching TV with a scowl on his face.

“What does it have to do with angels ? It’s just a bunch of brainless monkeys doing stupid things and spouting nonsense.”

“It’s just how they named the show. And it’s not really a show, it’s a reality show, it’s different. I don’t think you’re gonna like any of them.”

He looked at the blond attentively. He had shaved with the razor Sam had given him. The wedding ring was still here. He shuddered thinking of the gruesome murder Lindsey had described. He knew what it was like to come back to a house and find a loved one dead. But it had been an accident for Jessica and murder was worse.

“People watch that shit?”

“Yeah, big audience.”

The TV was switched off and “The angels in New York” disappeared, interrupting a crying woman who was complaining about some bottle of shampoo.

“I can show you documentaries. You might like those about animals and nature.”

They watched a documentary on sharks. Lucifer seemed way more interested.

“We don’t know half of what’s under there. They say we know the moon better than the abyss. It’s amazing.”

“Humans don’t know much. Even if it’s right under their nose.”

“You like animals?”

“They never bothered me. Always had an affinity with snakes, you must know that.”

“The Devil is mostly associated with the goat.”

“If I ever found who’s responsible for that, I will scatter their guts all around the Earth.”

He could have sounded threatening if he hadn’t been hugging a pillow. He was a bit cute and Sam wondered when his life had turned that way, hosting delusional strangers and finding them cute. Dean would have a field day about it.

His phone rang. It was Dean and he hoped he wasn’t in trouble.

“Sammy ! How are you doing?”

“Fine, you? Still working on that car?”

“That car ? That car ?? Don’t listen to him Baby, you’re more than that.”

Dean had always been excited about cars but it had reached new highs when he had found an old Impala. It was a bit wrecked, but he loved a challenge and he knew what he was doing.

“What are you doing tonight ? ”

“I...huh... I have a friend over. ”

“A friend ? What’s her name ? ”

“It’s not like that Dean. ”

“Sam, do you a favour and find yourself a nice girl, you need it.”

“I don’t. I’m fine.”

“I know you’re still thinking of Jessica but... ”

“It has nothing to do with Jessica ! ” He abruptly interrupted him.

“Fine. Fine. I’ll leave you alone, but... Take care of yourself. ”

“I do. You’re the one who keeps ruining his health with bacon and cheese. ”

Dean laughed and hung up. He felt a bit bad, because he knew his big brother only wanted to make sure he was alright. And because he had lied. It was still about Jessica somehow. He was scared of getting attached again, of the possibility of losing everything once more. There was a void inside him that he longed to fill but he didn’t know how. The worse was that he couldn’t help but noticing that that void has always been here even when he was with Jessica. He didn’t like to admit it because he had no idea of what it could mean. Nevertheless, it was still a hardship to hear Jessica’s name.

“Who’s Jessica ? An ex of yours ? ”

“She’s dead. ”

“Ah.”

“I was gonna marry her and she’s dead. ”

Lucifer was looking at him, mouth hidden by the pillow in his arms.

“God, I loved her so much...”

“God doesn’t care, told you.”

“Will you stop it ? ”

He knew it was unfair to Lucifer. That he couldn’t help it if he was delusional. But he felt suddenly angry, like he hadn’t been in a long time. He had thought he had gotten over it, but right now, Jessica’s death was still an open wound.

“You’re not the Devil, Nick. I know you lost people too, and maybe that God talk is helping you to cope but it’s not reality. I’m sorry for your wife and your baby, but sometimes we have to face what happened, whether we like it or not.”

He was talking for himself, he knew it and it was really unfair for the widower. Lucifer didn’t seem affected though.

“How do you know about Nick ? Don’t worry for him, he’s in Heaven, with his family.”

“You have to get help Nick.”

“Are you really talking about me? You seem very angry.”

“Yes, I’m angry ! She’s dead, and it’s my fault, because I wasn’t here and I could have saved her !”

Lucifer had left the couch and was walking towards him.

“So it’s guilt then.”

“Don’t pretend you don’t feel any, takes one to know one.”

The blond turned away, but stayed close to him.

“You’re right, I know what it’s like.”

He cupped Sam’s cheek, looking at him with longing in his eyes.

“You should have been my Vessel. Maybe…”

He gripped Lucifer’s wrist but didn’t have the strength to remove the hand on his neck. He cried quietly and they stood together, looking away from each other but still connected by touch.


	4. Chapter 4

He apologized after that. But Lucifer didn’t care because he wasn’t Nick and he didn’t need help and he just wanted to get his power back.

“And how are you supposed to do that?”

“It should come back on its own, I don’t understand. I could ask some demons, but I don’t feel like dealing with them right now.”

He was eating a strawberry donut. He had taken a liking to them, as all food that contained sugar in it and he kept asking Sam to buy more.

“Okay, so…demons. Do _they_ have horns?”

“Do you have some weird horn kink? No ! Same as angels, they don’t have physical forms. But unlike us, they don’t need consent and they’re compatible with anyone. Technically, I can enter anyone who consents, but they don’t last long if they’re not meant for that. Ends bloody. Even dear Nick here, was not entirely made for me. Not at first.”

“You keep talking about vessels and the one who was supposed to be the real one.”

“My True Vessel.” He emphasized each word, with a bitter tone. “Chosen by God to contain me in a perfect union. He didn’t feel that way. He said Yes only to put me back in the Cage.”

Sam wondered where this story fitted in Nick’s life. He seemed very affected by the rejection. Maybe he had lived a failed relationship before getting married. The God metaphor was obviously for a shitty father.

“My son could help me. But he hates me.”

It was the first time he mentioned his son. Sam hoped it was progress.

“What’s his name?”

“Jack. Not what I would have chosen, but I wasn’t there when he was delivered. His _mother_ named him. Stupid human.”

Sam was navigating through the information, trying to spot what could be true. He couldn’t tell if the anger was directed at his own mother or if he had issues with his wife. He seemed genuinely sad to think that his son hated him, but the only child that he had heard of was a baby, so it was probably paranoia. Or was it himself ? He didn’t want to resort to cheap psychology, but he was really confused here.

“For the first time, I created something, I thought it would be it. But he’s too much like her. Too human.”

“Children aren’t meant to be what we want.” He said softly, making Lucifer grimace.

“That’s fair I suppose. Or I just made a mistake. I wasn’t meant for that, I should have known I would fuck that up too.”

“Lucifer…”

He had always been empathetic, but Lucifer’s pain was resonating in him in a way he had never felt. He didn’t know how to reach him but he wished he could.

“You’re not in contact with his mother?”

“Oh she’s dead. She won’t be of any use.”

There was no warmth in his voice, but no resentment either. It was like he was stating fact that didn’t affect him at all.

“There’s no one ? No one you can trust ? No one you love?”

“As I said, everyone left. The two persons I loved more than anything threw me in Hell. I’m done.”

He looked small when he made that face and on an impulse, Sam wrapped his arms around him. He felt Lucifer tense, fidget a bit, then relax and put his head on his shoulders.

“You’re warm.”

“You’re cold, I can put the heater on if you want.”

“I run cold, but it never bothered me before. Human skin is thin.”

Dean’s face was floating in his mind and he could picture him raising an eyebrow and smiling in a smug way. But for the first time, he couldn’t feel the hole in his chest, so he squeezed a bit tighter. Lucifer let him and he could feel him breathing slowly against his chest.

xxx

They began _looking_ at each other. Lucifer seemed wary, unsure and a bit annoyed. Sam was trying hard to deny what he was feeling. He didn’t want to take advantage of the man’s state. He was too fragile, too engrossed in his Devil charade for it to be healthy. He tried to convince him to see someone -Lindsey had recommended Dr Martin, a therapist not far from here who had a very good reputation, but Lucifer got angry and left for hours. When he came back, cold and reddened skin, he brought two coffees.

He reluctantly told Dean about him. Dean laughed for half an hour before asking if they had sex and how it was with a man and did he top or not and Sam nearly hung up. But he was glad that his little brother was moving on.

“I can’t tell you what to do Sammy, you’ve always been better than me at the love thing.”

“I didn’t say it was love yet.” He protested.

“Yeah, whatever. I’ll have to meet him though.”

He wondered if Rowena would be more useful. She also had an apparent indifference for love and she would probably suggest a potion or a spell. He invited her for tea and she accepted, before she was not far from here. Lucifer shut himself in his room, stating he didn’t like humans and that he was already dealing with too many of them. He decided to go to the coffee shop rather than staying home. Besides, they could discuss more freely.

“Sam, have you grown taller ?”

He laughed and bent to kiss her. They sat at a small table in the corner of the room.

“Tell me everything. You haven’t called me to speak about the weather right?”

“Right. So… I’m…Hosting our new waiter and… he’s…hmm…”

“Speak clearly darling, nothing you will say can shock me.” She batted her eyelashes, her make-up perfect like always above her cup.

“Okay.” He had a nervous laugh. “He’s a widower, lost his child too. He’s in a bad place, I think he invented himself a kind new personality, backstory to cope. But…”

“You like him.” She exclaimed, taking in his red cheeks and elusive eyes. The cup of tea made a small banging noise on the table.

“Am I that obvious?”

“I know you. And I know longing when I see it. What’s the problem?”

“I want to help him. The man pretends to be the Devil, says he’s stuck on Earth because he lost his powers… But really, Rowena, he’s just lonely. He’s so sad. I don’t want to take advantage but I’m…”

Rowena laughed and threw her hair back.

“I met the Devil, he’s nothing like that, believe me. Samuel, how long has it been since you’ve been really happy ? I mean, for real? I deal with a lot of sad men, and they don’t have the half of what you have. Don’t waste your chance. You’re lucky to have a normal, quiet life.”

“You’re right. What do you with your sad men?”

“We save the world, my boy.”

He laughed.

“Thank you Rowena.”

He came home lighter, buying a new box of donuts for Lucifer. The blond man was reading a book, and seemed very focused on it. Sam put the box on the kitchen table et sat on the end of the couch, across Lucifer. The man didn’t make any move to acknowledge his presence, but he knew it wasn’t to ignore him. He settled comfortably in the cushions, checking his different accounts on his phone. It was so domestic, so comfortable, that Sam felt like they have lived together for years. He stole a few looks at Lucifer, scanning the man’s face, his eyes running over the lines, his mouth pursing sometimes, a small bite on the lip here and there. His hands, turning the pages and resting on the cover, his legs, one crossed on the couch while the other tapped the floor occasionally, his hair, in which a hand ventured regularly, making it stick out and tangle.

Sam had it bad. He remembered doing the same thing with Jess. Taking in all the small details of her body, her attitude, her words, her tastes. He had felt lost when she had died, but now the hole was being filled and he felt a new direction. He just didn’t want to make a mistake, make a move too soon. They had time and Lucifer would get better. He wondered if he could make things right with his son, since it seemed to matter a lot to him.

For now, he was trying to adjust to his new life. He was better at serving orders, even if he went on big rants against customers and humanity once they were home. He even joked with Lindsey sometimes. She was much nicer to him now she knew what he went through, but she admitted to Sam that there was still something bothering her. ‘It’s in his eyes, Sam. There’s a lot of darkness there. It makes me uncomfortable.’ She had said. She was still doing her best to make him feel welcome. Their boss was glad to have a new employee but wasn’t a fan of Nick either. ‘He’s creepy to be true. But we need hands and he’s not bad so it will do.’ He avoided him as much as possible though.

Sam took him to the cinema once and he was glad that Lucifer had liked it. They had eaten in one of his favourite restaurants after that and he had convinced Lucifer to try some spicy meal. He had taken him to a lot of place actually. He just ignored Dean when his brother asked if he was going to be introduced one of these days. He wasn’t sure it was good idea. He didn’t want Dean to make inappropriate jokes while Lucifer would get irritated.

They worked well together and in barely a month, they got so used to each other that they barely needed words. Lindsey had a knowing smile each time she looked at them and Sam answered her by a dark look – he tried at least. She tried to make him spill some information, but he managed to keep to himself, not wanting to talk about his love life with her. Their boss didn’t seem to have notice. And Lindsey was nosy, but she wouldn’t tell anyone.

“So, Nick, you’re doing well now ! Are you gonna get your own flat?” Their boss asked one night. “Could be nice to have your own space.”

The blond man blinked at him, then threw a side glance towards Sam.

“Haven’t thought about it yet.”

He was quiet that night on the way home. His shoulders were sagged, his walk a bit slower than usual.

“Do you want me to leave ?” He finally asked.

He tried to look casual, as if it was nothing, his face turned away.

“No. The flat is big, you can stay.”

He knew that Lucifer had those abandonment issues. He didn’t want him to think that he kept him out of duty or pity.

“I want you to stay. Please.”

Lucifer didn’t answer, nor did he turn his head, but he could imagine him smiling in that faint way he had sometimes. Like he didn’t let himself smile for good, in case it went wrong. Sam wanted to take the man’s hand, make him face him and hold him until he was certain that he got his meaning, but he did nothing of that. Instead, he listened to Lucifer make sarcastic comments on what had happened today and complain about how similar it could be to Hell. ‘Not that I spent that much time there.’ He said like a confidence.

They spent hours on the couch, sitting close to each other. They watched movies – Lucifer liked gory movies, it made him laugh, but he also liked documentaries about animals, especially snakes. He watched him read, pretending to be on his phone. They rarely touched, the memory of the embrace from the other day lingering on his mind. He didn’t want to take advantage, really, but he was mostly scared. He had never looked at a man that way, and he didn’t know how to approach it. Not that he was any better with women to begin with.

It became hard to see him every day, so close and not give in to his desires. He tried to convey his feelings, telling Lucifer that he was glad to have him here, buying him his favourite food and recommending him new books. Lucifer seemed to appreciate it, watching him with intent sometimes, but stayed away too. He also looked unsure, scared of rejection. Sam had heard enough about his supposed True Vessel to know how he had been hurt by some man who hadn’t deemed him enough for him. He wanted to tell him that he was different, that he would accept him as he was but he didn’t dare. So he listened to his bewildering stories about angels falling from Heaven, pagan gods plotting against him and two brothers too attached to each other for the world’s good. He managed to make him talk about Jack, even if once again, it was laced with holy explanations. The part where Lucifer possessed the president was funny – the part where he slept and impregnated a woman without her knowing who he really was made him uncomfortable – and he was frustrated to know so little about his son. He knew what he looked like – a grown-up baby, that one was something, even if every parent cried about how fast children were growing – and that he lived with three men – uncles? Friends? It was so hard to know what was real and what wasn’t with Lucifer.

He tried to imagine it sometimes. If everything was real, if Lucifer was really the Devil. If he had really tried to go through the Apocalypse, killed dozens of people and gods, argued with God and made a child. It was way too far-fetched, with many deviations from the original biblical stories. The worse was that if any of this came to be real, he wasn’t sure he would react in the right way. It was obvious that he should reject the Devil and pray for his soul or something like this. But he was fairly certain he wouldn’t. No, Sam would probably forgive him, tell him that everything would be alright and ask if he wanted some honey in his tea. Damn. It was time to admit he was so in love with the man that he would do anything for him.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took me some time to begin this chapter, but here it is. I have too many ideas and so many things I want to do that I don't know where to begin. Fics, but also things in my life. I have difficulty with long term projects. But this year is gonna be the right one !  
> I saw a kinktober on Tumblr, maybe I'll try it with Spn pairings.

Lucifer seemed to settle more and more in his new life. He learned how to cook basic things, mostly pancakes and pasta, and went to buy some things at the supermarket on his own sometimes. He even brought smoothies for Sam, knowing exactly what to order. It was comfortable. He would wake up, knowing the first person he would see would be Lucifer and that simple thought made him happy. He had tried to know more about the man’s previous relationships, but as always, it was hard to know what he meant. There was the devil talk, with the loneliness and the rejection, and then there was the Nick talk, with the gruesome loss. What he understood what that Lucifer hadn’t had much luck in that department and he didn’t want to make him feel pressured. But he wanted him. Sam had always been the tactile kind and he missed the human contact. But he didn’t dare to touch Lucifer too much. The man didn’t seem to be touchy-feely, on the contrary. He avoided people as much as possible and didn’t like shaking hands or being patted on the back. They had touched, though, warm embraces led by sadness, that had left Sam aching for more. What made him hope was that he never shied away from him. He even had been the one to initiate contact after all.

They had a day off, and Sam had wanted to take him to a lake a few hours further. It was calm, surrounded by trees and surprisingly desert. Lucifer didn’t like taking the car, complaining it was slow and confining, but he bore it quietly, his arm in the wind.

“I came here sometimes with my brother. We go fishing.”

“You keep talking about that brother of yours.”

“Well, we’re close. He basically raised me.”

He told him about some stories of their childhood. The prank wars, the games… Lucifer was looking contemplatively through the window. He hadn’t said a lot about his own brother. From what he had understood, he had several, but he had only mentioned Michael a few times. It was obviously painful. He wondered what they had argued about. He wondered if Gabriel was also a brother. Or maybe it was the man that had rejected him. He wanted to ask sometimes, but he didn’t want to push.

They parked and walked to the lake shore. He watched as Lucifer took in the scenery. His face was open, his shoulders relaxed, slightly rounded with his hands in his pockets. He closed his eyes. It was a cold, and it reminded him the first time he had seen him, shivering in a thin T-shirt. He smiled at the memory. He didn’t have that lost and angry look anymore. The wind was gentle in the trees ans the sky was blue, making the temperature bearable. There were some birds singing around. Sam suddenly noticed that Lucifer was staring back at him.

“It’s beautiful.”

His eyes were very blue and Sam’s mind had ceased to function. He was conscious of the cold air entering his lungs but his body wasn’t responding. He only realized he had closed the distance between them once he could feel Lucifer’s mouth move back against his, along with a soft chuckle. He broke the kiss, wrapping his arms around the blond and burying his nose in his hair. He felt hands clutching at his shoulders. Time had stopped and he couldn’t tell how long they stayed that way. The body pressed against him was warm and solid, Lucifer tightened his grip and shifted to rest his forehead on Sam’s shoulder. His fingers were tracing small circles on his back and he would have liked to feel his skin instead of the thick jacket he was wearing.

“Sam.” It was a whisper, and he shivered at the feel of the soft lips against his pulse point. There was a strong emotion bubbling in his chest he had never felt before. They parted slowly, clinging to each other. He kept Lucifer’s hand in his, lacing their fingers. He wasn’t sure he had already felt this happy. They sat by the water, hands still linked.

“It’s so peaceful here. It was like that before you know?” He sounded nostalgic, but for once, the intonation wasn’t pained. Sam lifted his hand to kiss the back of it. Lucifer smiled, his eyes slightly narrowed.

They stayed a few hours before the cold became too much. The way back home was silent, both of them content to feel the moment and enjoy what was happening. They slept together that night, doing nothing but lying against each other.

“There’s something about you Sam. You’re different, and I don’t know why.”

“I’m not special.”

“No one ever treated me like you did.”

“You’re easy to empathize with.” He said, because when Lucifer tells him about his story, he always feels it deep, resonating in him. Lucifer snorted.

“No I’m not. And I don’t like humans, but I like you. Ha, maybe I should be scared actually. Being almost human is doing me no good.” Lucifer complained but his hand slid on Sam’s ribs in a soothing motion. He cupped his cheek, making the blond look at him.

“Even if you were the Devil, I wouldn’t care.”

“You say that because you don’t believe me. If I proved it to you, you would run. And you would be right.” His tone was even but Sam could feel there was a deep fear behind those words. He pulled Lucifer to him, cradling his head on his chest.

“I love you.” He simply said. He felt Lucifer tense between his arms then the blond held him tight, so tight it hurt, but he let him because he wanted to feel it, wanted to give him everything and make him feel safe.

He woke up wrapped by Lucifer, who was a leg and an arm on him, his face pressed against his back. He would have liked to stay in bed to bask in that feeling, but he had promised Rowena he would meet her for lunch. She had called him more lately, asking him about Nick. Her curiosity made him laugh and he took advantage of the opportunity to talk about the man, feeling like a twelve-year-old at a sleepover. He let Lucifer sleep, sliding out of the bedroom quietly.

Rowena was, as always, dressed to the nines. They went to a museum, where old objects were exposed, along with a huge boat that had sunk some hundred years ago, or so he had understood.

“Oh Sam, you can’t understand how delightful your stories are !”

“But I’m not telling you anything interesting. I feel bad sometimes you know, when you tell me about Egypt and I only see the inside of my bar.”

She smiles, observing jewels in a glass box.

“You’re interesting. And I like to hear about love struggles.”

He gives her a dark look and she laughs.

“So it’s official now? Good, no need for a love potion then.”

“I would like for you two to meet.”

“Why, Sam, I’m flattered. It’s perfect, because I’d like to borrow your book about the Maya, if it’s no bother.”

“You want to see him today huh? ”

She batted her eyelashes innocently. They got back to the flat. He hoped Lucifer wouldn’t be too mad that he had brought Rowena. He didn’t like people to come to their flat, especially unannounced. But Rowena was important to him and he wanted to show off his new boyfriend. When he opened the door, he saw that Lucifer was reading on the couch. He lifted his head and frowned when he saw Rowena.

“Rowena, that’s Lucifer, Lucifer, Rowena, she’s one my best friends.”

Rowena wasn’t saying anything and he turned to her, he saw that she was frozen, staring at Lucifer, her face pale as a sheet. Lucifer put his book down, pointing a finger a her.

“The witch. I killed you.”

She stepped back, visibly terrorized. She grabbed Sam’s shoulder and closed the door.

“What are you doing with him, Samuel?” Her accent was stronger with the shock in her voice.

“You too know each other?”

“That’s Lucifer!”

“Yeah, I told you…. Where do you know him from?”

“I told you I met the Devil. Well that’s him.”

“Rowena…”

“You never believe me when I say I’m a witch right? I thought it was funny, so I never proved it to you. Well, it’s true and that man on your couch, he’s the Devil. I don’t know what he’s playing at, but it can’t be good.”

He didn’t know what to say. She was shaking like a leaf, so pale he was afraid she would faint. He was still doubtful, so she murmured a spell and made flowers bloom on the plant square next to them. His mouth dropped open and it took him some time, a lot of blinking and pinching himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.

“Sam.” She said slowly. “There’s only one person I’m afraid of, and that’s him.” Her face was serious.

“He’s not gonna hurt you.” He said, wanting to be reassuring, but he didn’t know who it was suppose to appease between himself and her.

“You don’t know anything about him. He’s unable to feel love and compassion, he lives to destroy.”

“I…”

He had wondered what the man who had hurt Rowena was like. He was devastated to hear that it was Lucifer. It was hard to reunite the two images of the depressed man and the evil one. He had been touched by Lucifer’s distress and he felt so right when he was with him that he couldn’t imagine him like that. Even now, when his friend was warning him, trauma deeply etched in her face, he felt himself wanting to be near him, longing for connection.

“I have to warn them. Samuel, come with me.”

“No.”

“What?”

“I can’t leave him alone.”

“He’s dangerous. He killed me. Twice.”

“You…don’t look dead.” He frowned, feeling himself more and more confused.

“I’m a witch, I have some tricks up my sleeves. You have to believe me, I’ve been fighting him for years, you have no idea what he has done.”

It was irrational. That need he felt to protect him. But he had never been so sure of anything in his life.

“Give me one day. Don’t tell anyone. Please.”

“I can’t do that !”

“Then stay. And I swear, he won’t touch you.”

She shook her head.

“You’re asking too much. I have to go.”

She retrieved a small pouch in her bag and gave it to him.

“Throw it at him if he tries anything. It won’t work as it should without the spell, but it’s already effective.”

He watched her run away, already holding a phone. He went back inside his flat, where Lucifer hadn’t moved.

“Is that the moment when you tell me to get out?” He was sitting in a stiff way, voice hard and face closed. Sam closed the door and stopped before him.

“I don’t know.” He said, shrugging. He returned his stare. “Is it the moment when you try to kill me?”

He hadn’t understood why Lucifer had said something like that. He hadn’t wanted to believe that he was capable of it. But he had a doubt now. He was still shocked by what Rowena had showed him. She was a witch. On the other hand, it didn’t make Lucifer the devil. But he believed her when she said he had hurt her. Himself had admitted having hurt people before. He had told Sam about killing gods, angels and humans alike, and if Sam hadn’t bought the supernatural explanation, he was beginning to think that the murder part might have been real.

“Did she tell you what I did?”

“She said you killed her. Twice, whatever that means.”

“She’s a clever, powerful witch, who’s not easy to kill, that’s what it means.”

“Why did you try to kill her?”

“She was in the way.”

It was said without emotion, as he could be sometimes. Sam didn’t want to think of him as a cold-blooded murderer. And certainly not as Satan, but a part of him wondered.

“So you’re really the Devil ? That’s what you’re saying? You’re really...evil?”

“I tried to be someone else. It didn’t stick. And now, I can’t even be Nick. It was nice, you know ? ”

“It can’t be real.”

He pulled his hair with both of his hands and paced in front of the couch.

“There are no such things as witches and the Devil. It’s…it’s not real.”

“There are. And much more. And your little friend is gonna come back with hunters and angels, and maybe it’s gonna attract demons too. Actually, I should call them, I can’t fight like this.”

He was about to lose it. It was one thing to speak about divine beings, but actually believe in it? He had seen the flowers bloom. So magic existed? Why did no one knew ? It couldn’t be real, it didn’t make sense.

“Yeah, of course.” The laugh he let escape was nervous. “Let’s summon demons ! How do you do that?”

“I could slit your throat and use the blood to call Dagon or what was her name again?”

He threw him a dark look and Lucifer put his hands up in surrender, a small smirk on his face.

“Okay, no slicing. But I don’t have the ingredients to make a proper summoning ritual.”

He considered the man on his couch. He was barefoot, picking at a strayed string on a pillow. He didn’t look like evil incarnate. But he obviously had done something wrong. And Rowena was going to come back with some other people, who had a bone to pick with Lucifer.

“We’re leaving.”

“What?”

“Take some supplies, we’re taking the road.”

“You’re serious.”

“Well, if you want to stay and wait for – whoever is crossed with you, you’re welcome.”

They were on the road ten minutes later. Sam was nervous, fingers tight on the wheel. Lucifer didn’t seem worried.

“You seem very calm. What happened exactly ? How did you meet Rowena? ”

“Where should I begin? With the grandest fall in the history of time ?” Lucifer said in a bitter tone.

“I must be nuts to believe you’re the Devil. And Rowena is really a witch? What the hell? ” He was shouting in the car. He slapped the wheel. “She made flowers bloom ! With a few words ! It’s not possible !”

“Maybe I can prove it, only a bit, look.”

When he turned to him, he met red glowing eyes. He nearly crashed the car.


	6. A piece of Heaven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fluff for everyone !  
> Thank you Noxvae for your comment ! It motivated me to finish this chapter. I don't know if the next update will be soon, but I'm not giving up on this fic.  
> See you tomorrow for the next Kinktober, day 14 Power play with a dom!Kelly/sub!Lucifer. I love Kelly, she's awesome T_T

They stopped in a motel hours later. He was tired and they booked a room to an apathetic janitor. The hot shower was a blessing and it helped him clear his head. Lucifer was wiggling his fingers over a pen on the floor, sitting on his bed.

“What are you doing?”

“Checking my power. But there’s nothing yet. I thought…”

His eyes were still red though, so it hadn’t been a light reflection. He sighed and lied down.

“How do you humans keep going? It’s all so weird. The cold, the hunger, the loneliness… The _feelings_.”

The last word was said with disgust, and he curled up on the bed, forming a small ball. Sam was still processing the fact that the actual Devil was sulking on a bed, in the same room than him.

“What do angels have then?”

He opened his mouth but nothing came out.

“I don’t know, to be honest. They’re all about duty up there. It’s annoying.”

“Did you rebel because you didn’t like it in Heaven ?”

“No, I always wanted to fit in, please a father I couldn’t please… I keep screwing up anyway. That rebellion was only the beginning and after that... Nothing was right anymore. ”

He sat next to Lucifer on the bed, facing the room.

“I can’t pretend to understand what you lived through. I used to argue a lot with my father. My mother died when I was a baby and he was... He was a wreck. He drank too much, left us alone. Dean was always the good son when I was the one who picked fights. ”

“I have the same brother then. Michael was the good soldier, obedient.”

“Some say you were God’s favourite. Is it true ? ”

“Yeah. That’s why it hurt even more. To be discarded so quickly, like I was suddenly nothing.”

“You said you saw him. How did it went ? ”

“Well, his bad sister was released, and we united to fight her. Again. And he left with her, because now they’re best buddies and he forgot about me. ”

He could have asked the sister thing, but he was tired and still stunned by the whole affair. Lucifer was looking away, a pained look in his eyes.

“You know, you really don’t look that evil.” He said softly.

“But I am. And I will always be.”

“I don’t want to believe that. ”

They looked at each other. There was a hesitation in Lucifer's eyes, a question that Sam was burning to answer. There was no warning before he bent over and kissed him. Their mouths parted and they shared the same air, eyes still locked. A hand came in his hair and Sam shivered.

“Sam. Samuel Winchester. I wish I could see your soul now. It’s really weird for me to only see your flesh. ”

“What do souls look like ? ”

“Light. Warmth. Depends on the person. ”

“What do you think mine would look like ? ”

“You’re attracted to me, so sorry, I guess it’s pretty dark. Have some crime to confess?” He said with a little laugh.

He kissed him again, more deeply this time and Lucifer’s hands came on his shoulders. He put half of weight on him, attentive not to crush him and he pressed himself to the blond's body.

“I don’t know what I’m doing. I hate humans. I should hate you too.”

But Lucifer was pliant under him, even if his face still showed wariness. Sam held him tightly, as if he wanted to fuse with him. He wanted to in a way and he said so. Lucifer had a sad huff and after a long silence, he spoke.

“If you were my Vessel, I could be inside you.”

“Like you're inside Nick.”

”I’m trapped in Nick actually. And if I did possess you, it would hurt you. ”

They fell silent, enjoying each other's touch. He didn’t notice when he fell asleep.

When he woke up, light was filling the room. Lucifer was lying next to him and there was an open vulnerability in his sleeping face that made Sam ache. It was slowly dawning on him that if he was really the Devil and had really done horrible things, then it was probably not a good thing to feel so attracted to him. But he couldn’t help it.

He hadn’t felt that good even with Jessica. He had loved her, with everything he had but it wasn’t the same. With Lucifer, he felt free. Like he was finally whole. He slid his knuckles on Lucifer’s cheek, the stubble scratching his fingers. The blond opened his eyes, then closed them when he saw it was Sam.

“The sheets are too stiff. Yours were better.”

“A few days being human and you’re already being picky !”

“Yeah, I want strawberries and caramel topping with my pancakes please.”

Sam smiled fondly.

“I created a monster. What’s next? I’m gonna buy breakfast, I won’t be long.”

The air was cold and he put his hands in his pockets. He didn’t really know where they were, they had stopped in a random place. It was a big town, because you get noticed way too quickly in small ones. They would be more anonymous here. People looked busy, walking fast and absorbed in their thoughts. Sam took his time, still processing everything.

So he met a homeless man. He gave him a job. He hosted him. He fell in love with him. He learned that that man was the devil. Honestly, he had no idea how he wasn’t freaking out. He was slowly beginning to admit that Lucifer might not be innocent. That he did something terrible actually. Otherwise, Rowena wouldn’t have had such a reaction. Her scared face was still engraved in his mind and he hated that his friend felt like that, while he protected the man that had hurt her. He wasn’t sure he understood everything, all the implications about Rowena being a witch and all. How could these things exist ? How did he never saw it ? He wondered what Dean would think of that. He would probably react in a different way. Sam spotted a small shop that sold pancakes across the street and waited for the light. Dean would tell him to stay away from Lucifer and go help his friend. He should. But the mere thought of leaving Lucifer hurt.

He noticed a small church on his left. He wouldn’t have thought much about it usually, but today, it made him thoughtful. He has never been to mass, his family didn’t believe, and he had only visited a church once. He stepped into the building. It was way more bright than he would have thought. He had imagined a dark place, air heavy with Incense. But it was more neutral, light colours and spacious aisles. He saw someone touch the water in the stoup and sign themselves. He wasn’t used to that and he wondered if he should do the same or not. He decided against it. The coloured glass was beautiful and he admired the paintings on the walls.

There were pamphlets lined up on a wooden support and he browsed through them. Some were about the Bible, others about how to have faith. He picked the one that says “Reject the Devil and his false truths”. There were Bible quotes and educational drawings (though he didn’t need to see a worm-like creature getting out of an ear to represent Satan poisoning someone’s mind – was it supposed to be a snake?). He skimmed through the rest. He wasn’t sure why he had picked it up. He knew he shouldn’t be attracted to Lucifer, but he was. There was no use trying to get help from a booklet that depicted Satan as a red-skinned humanoid with horns and a forked tail. Lucifer would be offended, he was pretty sure. But that was the problem. He thought about him like a human, like someone he liked. A man he loved. He was absolutely unable to see him as the heartless demon bent on destroying humans. He put the pamphlet back.

“You seem troubled. I’ve never seen you here. “

He startled and looked down to the face of a nun smiling broadly to him.

“Oh, ahem, no, I... I’m just passing by.”

“So few people come in our church. It’s good to see new faces.”

She was quite young, with a round figure and kind eyes. She was short and she had to crook her neck to look at him in the eyes.

“Did you come in to pray or just to look ?”

“I thought the coloured glass was beautiful.”

She hummed.

“It is. You should see it when the sun hits just right. It paints the floor.”

She followed his eyes, that went back to the pamphlet.

“Did you find it interesting ?”

“I don’t know.” He had a small nervous laugh, unsure of how to address a nun. “Do you think the Devil is necessarily evil ?”

She tilted her head, and he suddenly had the feeling of being a child who asked if the fire was always got.

“That’s why he’s called the Devil. Of course, he comes in disguise. He can seem nice at first, but it’s a facade to tempt you and damn your soul.”

He must have made a weird face because she pressed her lips, looking embarrassed and shook her head.

“I understand how it can sound. Sometimes, we think something is right, because it’s pleasant. But we realize later that it wasn’t good for us. “

“Sorry, I’m not a believer. I don’t really know much about all that. “

“There is nothing wrong with that. I became a nun two years ago. Before that, I had never read one word of the Bible.”

She looked proud to say that. She certainly looked happy and free of doubt. He could already imagine Lucifer rolling his eyes up at her. His heart was still doing this thing where he thought of him.

“I met someone. “ He began. “But I’m afraid it may not be a good thing.”

“Are you unhappy?”

“No. I’m really happy when were together.” He paused, trying to order his thoughts and she waited patiently. “I know they hurt people before. But they’re really just lost and ... I want to help you know ? People can change if they want to. “

He was looking to be reassured. Her eyebrows were up, and she shifted on her feet, biting her lip.

“Does your...friend wants to change? “

“I think so.”

“Everyone can be forgiven. One has to walk the long path, but in the end, they can find peace. “

“Its not someone who’s gonna pray, I’m afraid. “ He laughed, remembering how Lucifer had thrown his Bible across the room.

“You don’t have to. But they must really mean it. You can’t lie before God. He knows. Even if you don’t believe in him. And the most important, He forgives.”

She seemed so optimistic he didn’t have the heart to push it further. Besides, if he told her the Devil was nestled in the sheets of his motel room, she wouldn’t believe him. Or she would send an exorcist and it would be worse. He didn’t dare to think of what Lucifer would do to the poor priest.

“Sometimes, God tests us. It might seem like an ordeal and you will suffer, but you have to stay strong.”

“How do you know you’re on the right path ?”

She gestures to the pamphlets.

“It’s not easy. That’s why we search for guidance.”

He exhaled. He knew the answer to his questions. At least, the answer he would get here. He was already damned, good to roast for eternity like a barbecued lamb.

“Do you know why the Devil is so attractive and why it makes him so dangerous ? “

He looks at her with a questioning look. She seemed pensive, her smile faded.

“Because he still carries a piece of Heaven within him. That’s why humans are drawn to him. But it’s false paradise, for it’s only an echo. He’s a creature of Hell, and the good he shows is an illusion. He lost God’s favour and love, because of his pride. You may see Heaven in him but you will never feel it, because it’s void from grace. “

Her words sank into him like a knife. He felt like crying or shouting. He did neither. He smiled, thanked her and left the church. He managed to control himself enough to buy breakfast, and had to ask the cashier to repeat what they had said three times, because his mind was unable to focus. Is that how Lucifer felt ? Like a part of him had been cut from him? Did he always have that echo of Heaven in sight but that stayed out from reach ? The idea filled Sam with sadness.

When he came back into the room, Lucifer was sitting cross-legged on the bed, staring at the wall. Sam dropped his bags and nearly tackled him in the bed. Lucifer let him, surprised by the sudden embrace, and the strength with which Sam was clinging to him.

“Something wrong?”

Sam didn’t answer, a lump in his throat. He only hugged Lucifer tighter, face pressed in his hair.

“Okay, big guy. But I hope you got something good.”

He stayed like that for what seemed like hours. Lucifer didn’t try to escape his embrace and even strokes his hair, in a shy and awkward way. When he felt like he could breathe without risk of exploding, he loosened his hold and picked the bags from the floor. Lucifer watched him from the bed, his eyes narrowed as Sam out breakfast one the small table. Thankfully, the juices he had bought hadn’t spilled.

“Wanna tell me what this is about ? “

“I won’t give up on you. I don’t care if God doesn’t want to forgive you, we don’t need him.”

Lucifer frowned, visibly confused. Then he looked away.

“I’ll see you in Hell then.”

It wasn’t hard for Sam to see past his apparent indifference to notice that Lucifer was moved. Sam didn’t know anything about Heaven, but he knew Lucifer missed a piece of himself and he was ready to give his soul if it meant giving him a chance to find it.


End file.
